Heavy heart

I have a lot on my mind this morning. As some of you know I live about three parallel lives being a full-time student, part-time worker, mother of three and a wife. We moved away from Indiana because we wanted an adventure and to get our kids away from all the dysfunction of our families. Then in November I lost my Dad all of the sudden and that really shocked me. We decided to go back to Indiana after we graduate so I can pursue my Masters at Purdue University. We have grown, our kids have grown and I have a younger brother and sister that need me around. We also have nieces and nephews that we are missing grow up. Not to mention the fact that my step-mom needs us. I grew up in a family that was pretty messed up but not as bad as it could be. Our biggest problem is that my mom is so selfish. She was not a good mommy. She was a mother and took care of our food, clothing and shelter needs but not emotionally. I was a really good kid, no partying, no sneaking out, no boys and I was grounded all the time. I was disrespectful and talked back a lot because I really despised living at home from about 16 on. Finally at 18 I was kicked out. I came home one day from work and was told that I had a week to get out. I had already graduated high school and had plans to live with my grandparents during college so no big, right? Except for the humiliation of being kicked out. My mom had four children from three different men and is on her fourth husband. There is lots involved in all this but that is the very basic of it. Each of us children has had a different screwed up experience but had others to share in it. My youngest brother has been in the house alone with my mom...except for various boyfriends and now new husband and hasn't had anyone to be there. I moved to Alaska and this causes me serious guilt. It is one of the big reasons we are going back. Well, he turns 18 tomorrow and my mom is kicking him out before he even finished high school. This greatly sickens me and I am so mad at my mom. I haven't even talked to her yet. I need to talk to him before he is out. He has one of those pay by the minute phones and it is out of minutes. I offered for him to come with us when we moved up here but he had his friends and school so he didn't want to. We are going to Indiana for most of the summer and I am trying to get him to come back with us for the year before we move back. He says no but I guess we will see. Our sister lives an hour away from him in Indianapolis so he could go there but he says he doesn't want to. I know that he would live with us if we were there. It makes me sick being so far away. When we get there we are going to give him a graduation party and go to graduation to celebrate his accomplishment! I have so much to do right now with school and I am having a hard time concentrating because I am thinking about him. Oh and my sister has totally disowned my mom so I have to call and talk to her to get to talk to him. I hope my mom is happy with her new husband because she is completely alienating all of her children. I talked to my older brother about it all and now I am even sadder. Apparently, my brother is skipping school and calling himself in and I don't know if he'll graduate high school. Life sucks when your parents don't care enough to find out what is wrong.

Little surprises

Life can be so hectic and stressful that you can focus on only that. Then all of a sudden you are pleasantly surprised by something fantastically grand! It happened to me on Thursday evening. I received a call that I needed to call the Dean's office and I was thinking...what for? Then I got an email and this is what it said...

Dear Shannon,

The Fairbanks Garden Club presents their Conservation Award annually to a Natural
Resources Management student who has shown exceptional achievement and interest in
the agricultural industry and/or in the management of natural resources including forested lands. A committee of School of Natural Resources and Agricultural Sciences faculty and the Dean selects the student. The $300.00 cash award is presented at the Fairbanks Garden Club's April meeting. I am very pleased to tell you that you are the recipient of this year's award.

WOOHOO! I was TOTALLY not expecting this! It makes me wonder who chooses and why they actually picked me! I get to go to a luncheon with the garden club so they can give me the award. It is very flattering. It won't look too bad on my resume either ;o) It's magnificent really!

Mommy vs. Student

I have written about how we have been having trouble with our oldest daughter and her attitude. It is so stupefying to me as to what we should do. I decided to sit her down and ask her "what type of person do you want to be?" This would be limited to character traits and not things like, "I want to be rich"...don't we all! I think this may get the ball of conversation rolling and help us accomplish the things we are trying to teach her...at least I pray it does!

Of course, in all of this I have to study for two major exams in systematic botany. Not to mention the gazillion other assignments and projects that have to be done before the end of the semester. It is days like this that I battle the most with wearing so many hats. I love being a mommy and I love being a student but they do not always go well together! I know I am so blessed to have a helpful, loving husband and that I am not the only one to go through this. I am constantly asked how I can do this having a family...and honestly I don't know sometimes. It is just something I need to do and I do it. It will make our life more enjoyable and secure. I like the fact that I will be doing something to help the environment and people.

Well, back to studying!

Whining

Why does whining sound like someone is poking your eardrums out? GAH! My youngest has the gift of whine and boy is it insanity! I am so ready for it to be bedtime. Not to mention that bedtime is when I can actually get something done because finally there is some peace & quiet. I won't mention how my brain also likes the quiet and usually decides to go to sleep on me ;o)

Victory!!

I have such a great feeling tonight as I sit here because I am DONE with my senior thesis draft proposal presentation! I planned and practiced a lot and I pulled it off! I feel like I looked at my notes a bit too much but I received pretty good comments. The things I got comments on were things I already knew. This was probably the best presentation that I have done so far. Now I have to do the project and research and prepare my thesis and then present it next semester! I will be working on it lots! It is such a wonderful opportunity and I am thankful that I get to do this. It gives me the chance to see what a Master's thesis will entail.